Step Back from the Ledge
by JadeWing
Summary: For all the years, she's had hope. And faith. But now they're gone...how far can one letter send Sakura? Over the edge--literally? Surprise ending. Your typical 'JadeWing's got PMS' fic, PG-13 for language and I don't even use the f-word. I'm so squeaky c


Step back from the ledge

Step back from the ledge

Okay, it looks like it's about to come pouring down rain and all, and I'm in the kind of mood that makes people run away and hide. Yet another dark fic by me. Enjoy. I don't own the lyrics to Jumper by Third Eye Blind, I don't own the song, and I don't own the characters. Get the picture? And I know I changed the lyrics some, but deal with it.

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I wish that you would step back from that ledge, my friend

You could cut ties with all the lives that you've been living in

And if you do not want to see me again

I would understand

I would understand

Understand. Ha. No one could understand. Eriol, Tomoyo, Touya...none of them had any clue. Not a god damn clue.

The angry girl, a bit too insane

Icing over a secret pain

You know you don't belong

How could a song be telling exactly what I was feeling at that moment? I didn't belong. My friends had told me to forget about him. He hadn't answered my phone calls, all those letters I'd written, every attempt I had made to reach him. Yet I had had faith in him, in those warm brown eyes, for the past five years.

Until now.

The tires squealed as I whipped around a curve, heading for Tokyo. It wasn't all that far away.

I could see it now-the letter on the table, the paper white, the picture of innocence. Innocence. Ha. That letter had shattered my life like a piece of glass ground carefully under the foot of an elephant.

Sakura,

I am getting married. Please do not call or write any more. I do not feel the same way as you.

Li

Li. He hadn't even signed it 'Syaoran.' All my faith lost in a short, impersonal, cold letter. All my hopes swept away as I had stood in the hall, the door still open behind me. I had walked in with the mail, seen a letter from Hong Kong, and eagerly ripped it open, only to have everything I had stood by, defended, lost friends over gone. Gone. It was all gone. Damn it, my whole life was gone.

I entered the city and got further and further down. I knew what I was going to do now-what I had to do. My life was worth shit now. I'd wasted it on someone who had broken my heart in three cold, cruel sentences.

You're the first to fight, you're way too loud

You're the flash of light on the burial shroud

I know something's wrong

Well everyone has got a reason to say

Put the past away

But that was it. I couldn't put the past away. It was something I couldn't hide, couldn't cover, couldn't put away like it had never happened. Syaoran-no, Li-had happened. He'd been real. My feelings for him had been-and still were-real, even if his were not.

I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend

You could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in

Lies. I'd been living behind one; my face had been smiling, cheery, bright for so many years now. People had wondered why I of all people was such a good actress. The answer was simple; I had too much practice. For six years, I'd been hiding under the mask of gaiety, of happiness, of laughter. The truth was that ever since the Final Judgement, I'd harbored feelings for Li, and they were confusing. He'd stayed for the rest of that year, but then he'd left and I'd had to hide behind the mask to keep anyone from seeing my emotions. I had missed him so much, and after the final card was sealed I'd been able to tell him so, but then he'd had to leave again and no matter how many calls I'd made or how many letters I'd written, he'd never sent a word to show he was alive. I'd had faith in him, though, and I knew he wasn't dead. I'd had hope that someday he would come back, and we would be together again.

And then I'd gotten the letter.

And the lying mask had lost its purpose. As soon as the words had been read, I'd carefully picked up my car keys and driven away, the letter still on the table.

Well she's on the table and she's gone to code

And I do not think anyone knows

What they are doing here

And your friends have left 'til you've been you've been dismissed

I never thought it would come to this and I

I want you to know

Everyone's got to face down demons

Maybe today you can put the past away

My demons had come. I'd faced too many of them down. And now, this demon I couldn't face. The demon of deceit, of crushed hopes-this demon was invisible.

I pulled into a parking lot near the Tokyo tower. It wasn't a holiday; I'd had the day off from school. There weren't going to be many people at the observation deck, if any. I was counting on that. 

I got out, walked down the street. People gave me strange looks as they went by. I didn't care. 

Then it loomed up in front of me. One of the buildings with some historic significance. It would have what I needed.

I walked in.

I got on the elevator.

And I watched the numbers tick by. Soon I was at the observation deck. The doors slid open and I slipped out.

It was empty, but for the guard. I waited until he had gone around a corner, the used the Sleep Card for the first time in too many years. He went out like a light. Holding the wand, I walked up to the nearest window and swung it into the glass pane. The shards rained down around me, one neatly slicing a thin, shallow cut on my hand. I didn't even feel any pain. Instead, I walked out and onto the thin ledge that ran around the structure. Gripping the wand tightly, one hand reddened, I used the Jump card and sprang onto the roof. 

The sidewalk was so far down from here. People scurried around, far, far away. So far they looked like ants. My thin T-shirt flapped in the wind, my jeans stiff and scratchy. I stared down. My hoodie did little to cut the chill of the autumn wind as strands of hair lashed my cheeks, whipping oddly in the wind. I set my feet shoulder-width apart. Was I going to do this? Was I really going to? Just throw my life away because someone didn't care for me?

Yes. 

I was.

I cast the wand down, and it clattered on the surface of the roof. Maybe someone would find it and give it to their daughter to play with. I was the only one who could ever use it, so there was no danger of a magical catastrophe caused by a little girl. I blinked. A tear slowly fell down my cheek. The song echoed in my ears.

I wish that you would step back from that ledge my friend

Cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in

And if you do not want to see me again

I would understand

My heart was not pounding like I thought it should have been. There was no adrenaline rush. No bitter screams. No defiant words to an enemy. No heart-wrenching confession. I wasn't going to die like some souped-up television actress, gloriously sacrificing herself on the altar of love and/or honor. I was going down with grace. And dignity. But without hope.

I took out the card, staring at the two hands holding the winged heart. That was what I'd felt like when I had been with him-like my heart was flying. But now, all I felt was dull, throbbing pain. I wanted him to have a reminder of what he'd done, what he'd forced me to do. 

Okay, I'll call it what it was. I wanted a tiny bit of revenge.

"Go to him," I whispered. "Go to Syao-to Li." It hovered in my hands a moment, as though unwilling to leave. I smiled gently at it. "I have to do this. And you need to be my messenger. Remind him of me, alright?"

It seemed to send me its assent, then floated away. I watched it go with a tiny smile of satisfaction. Unless he destroyed the card, which he couldn't do, he'd be reminded of me. But now my Hope was literally gone.

I swallowed and turned back to the cloudy sky. A few drops of rain dampened my cheeks, mingling with the single tear I'd allowed to fall. I sighed. Powerful magic surged around me as I used mine to open a communication link with someone whose voice I never wanted to hear. "Goodbye, Syaoran." I swiftly shut off the link before he could respond.

I leaned forward.

I stared at the ground.

"Don't do it, Sakura!"

The voice had come out of nowhere. 

I decided it was my imagination. 

Then I jumped.

And then I realized I didn't really want to die after all. I'd had so much to live for-friends, family, people who cared for me. I shouldn't have done this. What could they do, now that I was going to die? What could they do?

"SAKURA!"

Strong hands seized my wrist and locked it in an iron grip. I couldn't look up, only down, staring at the ground that loomed below, so ready to rush up and meet me, smashing me to bits. "Don't let go," I pleaded, not even caring who it was that had my hand. "Please, just don't let go."

"Don't move." Someone was straining to pull me back. Someone. I didn't care who. 

Then I was over the ledge and tumbling to the surface of the roof, my fall broken by my savior.

Then it really, really sunk in. I'd almost killed myself.

It was too much-my near death, the letter, the realizations that I'd almost lost my life and that Syaoran didn't care for me. I broke down and sobbed on the shoulder of whoever it was that had saved me. His voice had been vaguely familiar, but at the moment I couldn't remember how it sounded. Maybe he was Toya. Whoever he was, he was warm. Warm and comforting. He let me cry in his arms until I couldn't cry anymore, and even after I'd stopped he still held me close to him. 

"I'm so sorry, Sakura....it wasn't real, I swear it wasn't... the elders didn't want me to come but I didn't care...they wrote that letter, Sakura, I never would have said anything like that, ever...."

I stiffened. Syaoran? I looked up to meet anguished mahogany eyes, shadowed by hair that hung low, dripping with rain. "Syaoran?"

"It's me," he said softly. "They wouldn't give me permission to leave, they said if I left I would forfeit being the clan leader, but then I found out about the letter and I didn't care...Sakura, I wanted to write you back, or call you, or anything, but they wouldn't let me. I tried to get a letter out, and they found out. They said if I did it again, they'd kill you, and I couldn't let that happen, but I missed you so much..."

"You left without their permission?" I whispered dazedly.

"Yes."

"But now you can't be the clan leader."

"I don't care, Sakura. They'll find a replacement, or something, and they'll marry him off to some clan girl. And they won't ever send a boy my age to Japan for three years again, that's for sure. They'll lose him too."

"But you'll never be able to go back to your family, Syaoran!"

"Yes, I will." His eyes gleamed softly. "You're my family. You're more family than I could have asked for."

"What about your mother?" I asked. "And your sisters?"

He winced. "They were cast out by the Clan. My sisters refused to marry their betrothed and Mother didn't argue with them."

"Will your mother stop us?"

"She won't," he answered. "She likes you. And even if she did, I wouldn't let her." Suddenly, I was caught up in a nearly crushing hug. "I missed you so much," he whispered into my ear.

And it hit me. He really, really cared for me. He'd cast away the honor of being the Clan leader for me; he'd forsaken his family. And the letter wasn't real. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. Instead, I simply said, "I missed you too."

"When the letters stopped coming, I...I wasn't sure if you'd found someone else, or if you'd given up on me, or something had happened to you..." His arms around me tightened, and I never wanted him to let go. "I was so scared that any of those had happened..."

"I would never, ever give up on you," I said honestly, resting my head on his chest. "I just lost it when I got that letter..."

"I'm never going to forgive them for that," he said grimly. "You could have died, and they wouldn't have cared...and if Mei Ling hadn't told me, I never would've known."

"But...won't they try to get you back?"

"I won't come."

"But what if they force you?"

"I'll denounce the Clan. If they haven't denounced me already."

My chin trembled, but I laughed softly. "And now I get to say 'I told you so' to everybody. They told me you weren't coming back, but...I didn't listen to them. I believe in you."

He pulled me closer and kissed my lips. It felt so good to be in his arms after so long...

And then I was falling again, but this time someone was with me. I didn't think I was going to die in this fall, but my eyes were shut tightly anyway. Suddenly, I hit the ground-

and sat bolt upright in my bed, untidy hair falling over my eyes. Looking at the alarm clock, I saw it was almost noon. I'd had a nightmare. I got up, saddened but slightly happy. After all, I wanted Syaoran to come back more than anything, but at least I hadn't really tried to commit suicide.

I pulled on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt from the pile of laundry on my desk, then went downstairs. Something about this was strangely familiar, tough....

Dad and Tori were gone; Tori was at one of his various jobs and Dad was on a dig again. I made breakfast for myself, Kero still being asleep and me not willing to wake him, then went to get the mail. 

The sky was overcast as I walked out and went to the mailbox. There was the usual assortment of catalogs, bills, and a few envelopes. I barely glanced at it and pulled the hood of my sweatshirt over my face as a drop of rain lashed my face. Shivering, I hurried inside, then stood in the hall, rifling through the short stack.

An envelope fell to the floor. I set the rest of the mail down on the table and picked it up.

A breeze swept through the door as my fingers brushed the paper, then slipped under the edge and grasped the thin paper, bringing it up. I turned it over. 

It was from Hong Kong.

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Finite! That's all! You get to figure the rest out on your own! D I know, I'm evil...maybe, just maybe, I'll do a version with an ending...but only if you're very, very lucky...and who knows how it'll end anyway? XP You can still review, though! Adiosity!


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